I dusted off my golf clubs the other day, having not played since last summer. I'm a fair-weather golfer and considering the number of 'fair weather' days we have in England you can guess how infrequently I play. Ask me what my handicap is and I can assure you that golf is my handicap! What amazes me is how well I play the first time I go to the golf course after such a long break and how this seems to deteriorate the more I play! What I've figured out is that it has to do with my expectations. When I play for the first time, I'm thinking "I'll be pleased if I can just hit that damn little white ball!" And I actually do pretty well and am feeling pretty pleased with myself! The more times I play, however, the higher my expectations become. The next time, not only do I want to hit the ball, I've decided I want to hit it straight down the fairway. Then the next time I want to hit it 200 yards and straight down the fairway. And then the next time I want to consistently hit it 200 yards and straight down the fairway. The other scenario is when I go to the driving range and hit consistent beautiful shots but the second I go to the first tee, disaster strikes! The Inner Game of Golf I have played a lot of different sports and one thing for sure, golfing is much more about what goes on in your head than most other sports. I guess that's the lure of it for me. So what's happening to me and why is it that even the best players, with all the best equipment and the best techniques still struggle to play consistently? It boils down to what goes on in their heads. Anyone who wants to master golf has to master "the inner game." According to Tim Gallwey, author of The Inner Game of Golf, "the secret to increasing control over our bodies lies in gaining some measure of control over our minds." And here is where dating can be likened to golfing. Lesson one: Your expectation influences your inner talk As my expectations for myself change so does my inner talk and as my inner talk changes so my game changes. My inner dialogue moves from, "what a gorgeous day, I'm just so pleased to be here and if I can hit the ball I'm happy" all the way to "I've got to hit this ball, and I've got to hit it 200 yards, down the fairway. In the same way your dating expectations influence your inner talk. When you go on a date, do you go with the intention simply to enjoy yourself and get to know your date? Or are you telling yourself that this has got to be the one, and you have to get everything right and have them eating out of the palm of your hand by the end of the evening? Lesson Two: The harder you "try" and tell yourself you've "got to" do it, the more anxious you become Now anyone who plays golf knows, it is not a forgiving sport and tension is the golfer's worst enemy. As soon as you 'try hard' and tell yourself that you've 'got to' do something a certain way, you create anxiety which shows itself in overtightness in your body. Likewise in the dating world, the harder you "try" -- to be someone or something you're not -- the more anxious you will feel about dating, and that will affect your confidence, performance and enjoyment of your date. Lesson Three: No matter how much you know about techniques, what goes on in your head can create "interference." There are hundreds of books and videos on the techniques of golf. I've taken golf lesson which have been video-taped so that I could see exactly what I was doing wrong. I even practise with a 7 iron with a special "grip" handle that puts my hands and fingers in exactly the right place. Even with all that, I can still go on the golf course and have a completely disastrous game! Equally you can know all the tips of how to flirt or catch the eye of the person you are interested in - and you know, hold the eye contact for a few seconds longer before moving your gaze. You can wear the "right" clothes, hang out in the "right" places and drive the "right" car but no matter how many "how to flirt" or "how to make anyone love you" course you go on, what goes on in your head can create "interference" such as lapses in concentration, self-doubt, low confidence and self-criticism, resulting again in anxiety. Lesson Four: If you focus on what you don't want - it's what you tend to get. After my inner talk has raised its expectations over and over again, finally it adds, "I need to be sure I don't hit it into that ****** bunker!" Guess where it goes? The more you focus on what you don't want to happen on the date, the more likely you will end up with it. The bottom line is that both golf and dating are more about the "inner game." If you want to change your dating experience, it's not enough to buy the latest fashion, get the latest haircut, die your grey hair, lie about your age or pretend to be someone you've not - as I read once on a notice board: "don't try to be someone else they are already taken!" If you want to change your dating experience, you've got to change what goes on in your head. Dating really is like golf - it's an inside-out job!
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