So you have come across a difficult person in your life. You know, whenever I am I am facilitating another dealing with those delightfully difficult people workshop I am always asked †how can I be assertive all the time to deal with all the difficult people I come across? DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND BEING ASSERTIVE I then almost always respond with the next question †who told you that you needed to be assertive all the time? Most people look confused by the question but their responses are always very similar †I am not sure who told me but I thought that this is what you have to learn to do, be assertive all the time, with everyone and in every situation. HERE IS THE PROBLEM TO CONSIDER IN MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE Well, here is problem with that strategy on how you deal with difficult people. Every person you deal with is unique and different. You do not react exactly the same in every situation and with everyone. People vary greatly in their behaviour, their reactions and their responses to you. Now you can develop a range of strategies and techniques to deal with the general reactions of others on many occasions. But responding the same way to every situation, whether that is always aggressively, or always assertively, or always passively is not the best solution. WHEN YOU RESPOND IN THE SAME WAY EVERYTIME YOU HAVE PROBLEMS In my consultations, I have worked with people who have responded aggressively to every conflict and disagreement they have had with others. It has caused them so much trouble in their life. They responded in the same aggressive way to family, friends, employers, strangers, authority figures and more. I have worked with others who have responded passively to every conflict and disagreement they have had with others. It has destroyed their confidence, self-esteem and belief in their own thoughts and opinions. IT IS TRUE THAT ASSERTIVENESS IS IMPORTANT BUT NOT ALWAYS For sure, being assertive can be an effective approach in dealing with the difficult behaviour of others but not always. Take the example of a potential road rage situation. When driving on a double lane highway, you unintentionally cut in front of another driver when changing lanes. The other driver blows their car horn, shakes their fist at you and then moves to the other lane and drives up beside you, yelling at you out of their car window. What do you do? Is this the time to be aggressive back? Is this the time to be assertive? Or is this the time to respond passively? You do not know this person but you can assume that your own aggressive or assertive actions will more than likely inflame the situation. This situation has the potential to escalate into an even more aggressive response from the other driver. HANDLING DIFFICULT PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT SITUATIONS So do understand that the best response in this situation may be a passive one. Consider slowing down, pulling back, making no eye contact with the other driver. This may not always work but your aim is to reduce the likelihood of escalating the situation into an out of control road rage incident. Why? Because you really have no idea how aggressively the other driver can become, they are a stranger to you and ultimately you cannot predict their behaviour. You have no behaviour history †unlike people you may know, you have no knowledge of how this person responds to conflict situations other than what you have already seen and it was not looking good. REMEMBER TO ALWAYS TO CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY So here is the most important strategy you can use in dealing with the difficult behaviour of other people, you must choose your battles. You must decide what battles are to be left alone and what battles are to be responded to assertively. There are times when you must decide to take a stand and other times when you need to just let it go. There are times to be assertive with others, there are times to ignore their behaviour and there are times to take a different course of action. DEVELOP DIFFERENT RESPONSES TO DIFFERENT DIFFICULT PEOPLE You do not and should not respond exactly the same way in every situation when handling difficult people. So decide carefully how important this battle is to you and choose your responses wisely, being assertive is one way, but not the only way. And there are many more ways for you to read in my Free Guide on Dealing with Difficult People: 17 Ways to Handle the Difficult Behaviour of Other People at my website. Join me now!
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