Do you find yourself, all too often dealing with difficult people? How do you deal with it when a storm of angry words starts coming your way? Do you feel physically ill when dealing with an difficult war angry person? Do you wish you could just disappear, or snap your fingers and make them go away? Or are you the type who becomes angry right back at them? Don't worry, these are normal symptoms in response to someone else's anger; dealing with anger is indeed stressful, isn't it! The good news is that it doesn't have to be... Believe it or not, some people don't let it bother them. They just remain calm and peaceful when faced with anger and upset. Wouldn't it be great to understand what they understand? Well now you can! Here are a few simple tips that will help you breathe easy the next time you must deal with an angry person. Often times when we realize someone is upset the first thing we do is take things personally. We believe that the only reason they'd be upset--and telling us about it--is that it must be about us. The very first thing to understand when dealing with these situations is that it's all about them, not you! I know what you're probably thinking: "There's no way I can't take it personally when I have this person yelling at me and throwing accusations in my face!" There's no question that this will be difficult at first, but when you understand this one thing it becomes much easier to avoid taking these things to heart: Every statement you hear someone say stems from a deep and innate desire to fulfill their needs or to support something they value. And you probably do the same thing - its typical human behavior. Absolutely Everything = Needs and Values. For instance, someone who is upset may simply have a need for consideration, or they might really value dependability. By getting upset, they are trying to fulfill these needs or honor what they value. As an example, let's say that an angry person met with Gandhi (if he were alive). And the very first words he says to Gandhi are, "I bet you don't even really know what it means to have a difficult life. You have people helping you with every daily task you do! You're such a fake!" Can you imagine Gandhi responding to this as some people would-- defensively, with anger and critical words? "I'm a fake? Why don't you try walking one day in my shoes... you wouldn't last a minute. You selfish little man-- I bet you don't even work for a living, you probably just go around telling everyone else how lazy they are!" We can imagine where this conversation would end up! It's difficult to think of Gandhi reacting in such a way, but why wouldn't he? What secret did he know that most of us don't? Gandhi understands that the anger this man has stems from his own difficult life and is just taking it out on him. The man is upset because his needs have not been met, and things in his life are out of harmony with his values. So, from now on, try to remind yourself that everything people say or do is an attempt to meet their needs or support something they value. The next uncomfortable situation you find yourself in with an angry person, don't start justifying yourself, but instead begin by remembering that their anger is about them and their life. Don't take it to heart. Think about this: Do you want your wellbeing to be dependent upon others, or do you crave happiness that is dictated only by the decisions you make and how you choose to live your life? Take control of the situation by aligning your values with the actions you take. Another great way to maintain your cool when dealing with others' anger is to take on the stance of curiosity. Start wondering, "Hmm, they seems really stressed-out. I wonder what's happening in their life to make them so upset." Try to take a moment to empathize with their situation and think, "If I acted the way they're acting toward me right now, what might possibly be happening in my life?" Try to come up with answers. Switching your mindset by focusing your attention in this manner can really set you free from acting or feeling defensive. It will lead you to a more peaceful place and will support you in filling your life with happy, satisfying relationships you can enjoy. "Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means." ~ Albert Einstein Let's recap: - Anxiety and defensiveness isn't the only way to deal with angry people. - Whatever someone says or does is in support of something they value or to meet some need. - Their anger is all about them, don't take it to heart. - Take on the stance of curiosity. - Your wellbeing is not dependent on how others act or what they say. When dealing with angry people, these strategies will help open the door to a new sense of freedom and wellbeing. No longer will you be controlled by your environment. You get to decide how you'll respond and what actions you'll take.
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