As an intuitive coach and a spiritual life coach, I run across the topic of dealing with negative people very often. In fact, it is a major issue with many of my clients who come to me for life counseling services. Dealing with negative people is not easy, and I admit that I don't like it when people are angry or are depressed around me. It's particularly difficult when someone is negative towards me. In the past I have tried several techniques to deal with this situation, including running away from the negative person. However, while that succeeds in getting me away from the negativity it is not a viable solution because if I take that approach with every negative person it can leave me very alone. I quickly learned that defending myself doesn't work when dealing with difficult people. I read a saying on a sugar packet once that pretty much sums up why. It said, "Don't defend yourself. Your friends don't need to hear it and your enemies won't believe you anyway." That pretty much nails it. Another ineffective technique that I've tried is to attempt to make the other person "happy." Like many of you, I like to please others. It's a natural tendency and also a learned one. But, as you've probably noticed, it rarely works with difficult people. Ask yourself, have you succeeded in handling difficult people effectively by trying to make them happy? Probably not, so why are you still trying? I've come to the understanding that it is not my job to make others happy. In fact, not only isn't it my job, it's impossible. First I would have to completely understand everything about the other person (an impossible task). Then I would have to take on the role of fixing that person (presumptuous at best), assuming, of course, that I knew it was time for this person to change. Then I would need to use the right technique to make the person happy and "fix" her. Not only does this not work, but people often get angry or put off when I try to fix them or "make them happy." The truth is, I am often trying to "fix" the situation and problem, to heal over the event, so that I and everyone else will be happy. The effort is counterproductive, and rather than making negative people positive, or at least neutral, I generally end up annoying them making the situation worse. My goal in dealing with negative people or someone who is nasty or otherwise emotionally challenged is to remain objective and not take the negativity personally. I like to feel compassion, respect the other person and know that he or she will do what's right for themselves. Sometimes this is easier in theory than it is in practice. Here are a few techniques I've learned to help deal with situations where I feel I'm in the line of fire or in jeopardy of falling into an emotional well. Give them a try and they may help you: 1. First and foremost choose to be happy. Ask yourself now, "Do I want to be happy?" Do you really want to be happy or not? If you don't then you are in luck - you won't be. It's that simple. If you do want to be happy, make happiness your prime objective. If you need support in this objective, take note that you are more effective and your life is more worthwhile when you are happy. If the person you're with is unhappy, then you can chose to be happy or you can allow their sadness and anger to pull you into a similar form of anger and depression. Then you will be just like them, unhappy, less effective and less worthwhile - less useful to the person you are with. 2. You are the master of your emotions. Learn to notice your emotions and not let them take over. Stress still exits. Others still wig out. But you don't have to retreat into withdrawal or sadness. You can choose to watch the other person objectively and honor your decision to be happy. Each stressful situation then becomes an opportunity to practice being happy in the face of adversity. Adversity is not a personal affront. 3. Attempt to show concern for the other person. Show concern, but avoid taking responsibility for her problem. For example, don't say, "You seem upset. Have I said something to upset you?" You're not responsible for how another person responds to life - not even to you. A better response might be, "Is there something I can do to help? I understand this must be difficult for you." Don't talk about yourself and don't make it about you. Let them have their negative moment. 4. Notice your heart. Pay attention to your own emotions and focus on protecting yourself yet maintaining an open heart. Closing your heart will cause you pain because you will feel you are being negative and not doing your best to help. Instead of trying to fix the other person try to understand her. Don't make the discussion about you, even if a finger is being pointed at you. Remember, a person who's angry or sad has an issue with you. It's that person's issue, not yours. Don't take responsibility for it. Try to understand where the other person is coming from but don't take it personally. Pretend she's talking about everyone she encounters. She probably has an issue with others as well. Understanding and practicing the above techniques can help you to remain objective when dealing with difficult people. Remember: the prime objective is happiness - for both you and the other person. Intend to stay happy yourself, no matter what obstacles are put in your path.
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