â€Johnny! It’s time for dinner!†Mom calls. As mom works to set the table, she calls upstairs again, explaining to Dad that Johnny has been in his room since coming home from school, playing the latest game he bought. This has been his habit lately. Has it been a week? A month? Mom can’t put a finger on how long it has been since they have spent quality time doing anything, really. Does this scene sound vaguely familiar to you? Or can you relate 100% to the dilemma parents are finding themselves in more and more in today’s technologically overdosed society? With busy lifestyles that include work, school and family responsibilities, it’s not uncommon for parents to wake up one day and realize they have a child who seems to be plugged right into their video game console as if receiving life-giving nutrients from it. While many concerns have been raised about the regular play of video games, such as a link to violent behaviors or the lack of social interaction, these concerns are not the focus of our topic here. What is most important in the life of teens is confidence and self esteem, which is the foundation of emotional health, and therefore a very important trait for parents to instill in their children. Of course we as parents, when raising young children, work diligently to engage regularly in activities that will give our children a sense of accomplishment. But oftentimes, when we are living with seemingly arrogant, opinionated teens, social interaction with them can become strained and thoughts of continuing to build their good feelings about themselves and the world they live in get lost in efforts to just live together peacefully. How does this fit in with video games? Simple. Kids today like to be entertained more than any other generation before them. Video games are an easy way to accept a challenge (hence building some self confidence), and also provide an outlet to tune out after a hard day at school. Statistics from a recent study can begin to put the issue of video gaming into perspective for the concerned parent: â€The average child 8 to 12 plays 13 hours of video games per week â€Teens age 13 to 18 year play 14 hours of video games per week â€According to a recent study of 1,178 children in the US, almost 9 percent of child gamers are pathologically or clinically "addicted" to playing video games. Parents who are concerned about the amount of time their teens are engulfed in game play have at least taken the initial step by acknowledging that concern. The issue is not necessarily what they are learning within those games, but what they aren’t learning from you during those times their attention is diverted elsewhere. The main idea is not necessarily to get them away from video games, but instead to be more in touch with you and with themselves. You are still the main teacher in your child’s life, no matter how much you may think they are not listening. Here’s some good news: playing video games at home can be an outlet for your teen that actually helps them to grow and get through tough teen years. According to Dr. Lawrence Kutner, co-author of Grand Theft Childhood, "Kids play for a variety of reasons: for the fun of it, for the challenge. Or they play for emotional regulation. They can get their anger outâ€In essence; it's a way of self-medicating," Does this mean that you simply throw up your hands and let your teen spend too many hours in their video game †and hence too many hours away from interacting with you? NO! If you would like to see your child spending time doing things other than plugging in, here’s a simple suggestion. Join them! This is not something you will have to do forever, no. But many parents say it is the best way they have found to engage their kids in conversations, and is some of the most fun they have. Playing a video game with your child can be a way to put them in the driver’s seat. As you play, allow them the opportunity to teach you something for a change. Showing mutual respect by making the effort demonstrates that you’re able to get out of your own activities and into theirs. It’s a definite win-win for you and your teen. It makes them feel loved. When teens have good feelings towards their parents, they may open up and reveal some of their inner feelings and struggles. And when they start talking, here’s a tip: listen. As Dr. Ed Harmon says, teens don’t want to feel preached to, or talked down to. Any time spent with your teen opens the doors to communication, and any communication is better communication! Those times of just â€hanging out†with them gives you as a parent such an opportunity to relate to your teen that to grasp it will change their life and yours. What we may not realize is that simply relating to our teens is oftentimes the best thing we can offer them. So many of us have forgotten how to talk to our kids by the time they reach their teen years. Here’s a couple of hints to help you get started talking while you meet them on their turf: â€Ask open ended questions instead of yes or no questions â€Avoid the temptation to offer your opinion or advice â€Be a good listener â€Help your child solve their own problems by asking them questions, helping them talk it out. Once you and your child are on common ground, it makes taking the next step much easier †turning the game off to engage in another relationship building activity, such as preparing a new fun recipe for dinner or playing a board game as a family. Teenage self-esteem can be a fleeting characteristic with all that our children go through outside of the home. The pressures they face are often stifled and not talked about, but don’t be fooled into thinking they don’t exist. Teens need parents to be parents, yes; but those parents also need to be friends that the teen can confide in. The idea that a parent must be one or the other may only work to create more problems. There is a verse in the Tao that talks about leadership, and how the best leaders are those whose â€followers†feel they have done a job all on their own. While we as parents may struggle with releasing our children, the best thing we can do is to accept that which is inevitable. Doing this will allow us to take the steps of building them up and giving them the tools to become self confident and responsible adults. Instead of feeling that it’s you vs. the video game, use that game as an avenue into your teen’s life. You may learn more about them in those times than you have at a hundred nights at the dinner table! And when teens feel that their parents know them and accept them, self-esteem cannot be stopped by any outside influence.
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