How are you relating to the people in your life? As a performance and results coach, working with a variety of clients from sporting teams to non-sporting individuals I have extracted five (5) themes that influence healthy relationships, both business and personal. 1. Take Responsibility When it comes to maintaining friendships, communication and getting along well with people it is important that everyone takes 100% responsibility. It"s too easy to blame other people when things go wrong or there are disagreements, and while this may feel good thinking it"s not your fault, it also means you are powerless to do anything about the situation. All you can and might do is complain and have excuses why things aren"t working out. It is said that in order for others to change, you need to change. When you take responsibility in relationships you regain your personal power and take personal ownership of creating any changes that need to be made. You can take responsibility by asking yourself: How can I contribute to the relationship? How can I communicate more effectively to be understood? How can I come to an agreement? If you feel negative towards someone, consider "What am I deciding about this in order to feel this way?" Focus on what you can do, and you may be surprised at the results. Often problems are in the mind, and by changing your mind, you may see someone else or a situation in a different light and the problem resolves without discussion Taking responsibility comes first and is an underlying theme for the following points to apply. 2. Respecting the other persons view of the world Everyone has a different reality or outlook on life, based on their upbringing and life experiences. Problems can arise when someone makes the mistake of thinking that their view is THE truth or THE reality. It may seem so to them but it is folly to be close-minded and not consider alternatives. Conflicts, and even wars, arise due to differences in beliefs and values. By understanding and respecting that someone may have a different experience, we may consider stepping into their shoes to really see where they are coming from. That entails listening to them whole-heartedly with the intention to understand, not to prove them wrong. By listening and meeting another at their point of view, we are more likely to gain rapport with them and have a reasonable discussion. This then opens the way to persuade them to your own point of view, just as a martial artist may move first with an opponent before guiding them to the mat. At best, we can at least appreciate that another person is doing the best they can with what they have available to them, whether it be experience, knowledge or support. Consider this next time someone does something that you makes no sense to you. 3. Being true to oneself Do you know of people that do not dare to voice their opinion, or tip-toe around others for fear of rocking the boat? Who does this benefit? It benefits no-one. By not stating how you really feel, you are giving a wrong impression of what you stand for. This can result in people liking/accepting you for someone you are not. The "receiver" who misses out on your true opinion loses the opportunity to discuss the topic and to either convince you otherwise, or to be swayed by your opinion. I used to make the mistake of staying quiet or simply agreeing with boyfriends. These relationships didn"t last because I wasn"t being true to myself. When I committed to being authentic and standing up for my views, I created the best personal relationship I could ever dream of. I am confident that he loves me for who I really am and I don"t have to worry about saying the right or wrong thing which is very liberating. In business, you will gain the respect of your peers for having an opinion and sharing it and because the opinions are your own, you are most likely to be consistent. 4. Trust I believe that real trust is when you trust a person, a process or a situation regardless of your past experience or beliefs. It"s easy to trust when you agree, and so it"s not really trust. Being able to let go and trust wholeheartedly when you don"t agree "" now that"s trust! I think that sometimes you have to let go of what you know and put trust in the unknown. That could be a colleague, an employee or perhaps a contractor. People that don"t trust others end up doing everything themselves and tiring themselves out. Ironically, by not delegating, it can take longer to get things done; it may not be done as well and sometimes not at all "" all the things we might have been trying to avoid. Yes, sometimes people get burned by trusting others but the lesson is not to never trust again but rather to trust wisely. Do the due diligence so that you put the trust in the right people or the right situation. It can save you a lot of time and a lot of work and can give the freedom I"m sure you desire. 5. Stick to the facts "" it really is not personal Humans are meaning making machines, putting meaning to nearly every incident that plays out in their lives. A person may see someone do something or say something and decide it means that x equals z. People make the mistake of mind-reading and then turning them into reality. Often the person"s past experiences, beliefs and attitude will influence the meaning and they will then act in response to this meaning. To the other person x may in fact equal y and cannot understand the reaction. The best way for these two people to relate is to talk about the actual facts "" what really transpired rather than the meaning placed upon it and, as mentioned in point 1, seek to understand the other persons intention. Next time you are experiencing difficulty relating, take a step back and look at it from a third person"s point of view so that you can see both sides. Keep an open mind and you may surprise yourself with the level of understanding you attain. Decide now to master your relationships and communication and see easy life starts to become.
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