By now I hope you have a solid understanding of "unproductive" confrontation: yelling, blaming, defending, demanding, arguing, trying to make a point, looking to "win", manipulation, seeking to control, acting like a tyrant, trying to be powerful while trying to make someone else powerless, trying to make someone else feel weak so you feel strong, making threats, storming off, acting passive aggressively, giving in, insincere apologies, "teaching" or "instructing" someone, justifying, judging, or condemning. Productive confrontation is this: Sharing your experience of someone in such a manner that you are seeking to be a benefit to them as well as yourself. It's looking for a "win/win" solution; internally asking the question and externally find the answer to, "How can we both benefit here?" Effective & productive confrontation at it's core involves personalizing what you are saying so it's about you and your experience. This means you are taking responsibility for you - not you are taking responsibility for making sure your wife does what you want or your husband agrees you were right and he was wrong. Productive confrontation is an art which involves congruence (which we recently talked about; if you missed it, go back and read it or you may miss an essential part of confronting). Confrontation requires love & in fact is a response born out of love Productive confrontation involves doing what is in the best interest of someone else. Telling the truth even when they don't want to hear it. As Scripture would say it is "giving a life-saving rebuke". You may not know this, but the Bible has all kinds of things to say about the benefits of confrontation. Check out the book of Proverbs and you'll see what I mean. Jesus does a TON of confrontation in the Gospel's; he confronts the Pharisees, the teachers of the law, sinners, the disciples, the money changers at the temple. Confrontation isn't just, "I'm pissed and hurt and you're gonna know it!" response. It's a "I love you and what you're doing (or the choices you're making, or the words you're speaking) is hurtful." It's a "I love you and I see you running into oncoming traffic even though you don't see it, & I'm going to speak up about what I'm seeing". It's a "I'm really hurt and offended and think what you did was unfair and unjust & I want to bring it up because I want to be able to forgive and reconcile with you." It's a "I don't like the way things have been going between us lately and I want to go deeper with you in our relationship and experience a greater intimacy together, but we've got to eliminate some of the junk between us." Productive confrontation is like surgery...it may hurt at the time, yet in the end you feel a lot better. Here's a "checklist" of things to keep in mind before you get up the gumption to go and confront: 1. HALT-B (Are you or your partner either of these? Go back to what I shared on "Congruence" if you don't know what I'm talking about). 2. What's your anger level? Are you so angry you can't respond without blowing up, or, are you able to keep your anger in check and still look for a "win/win"? 3. Are you able to personalize, or are the thoughts in your head a bunch of "you, you, you"? 4. Are you clear on how you feel (besides angry), what your thoughts are and what outcome you're hoping for? 5. Are you willing to work together to create a mutually beneficial solution, or do you just want your partner to do what you want them to do (are you secretly hoping to manipulate or control your partner)? 6. Will you be willing and able to give them an opportunity to share their thoughts, feelings & experience as well? This isn't an opportunity to defend or blame (this goes back to the concept of "Comfort" - if you haven't read this, make sure you do or you'll be sabotaging your efforts to confront productively) 7. Will you be able to respond to what your partner says without responding with defensiveness, rejection, or negativity - regardless of what your partner says? 8. Are you "confronting" just so you can avoid your own anxiety or discomfort in your marriage? 9. Can you confront with out projecting? 10. Is your desire to confront a reaction to your transference with your partner? (#9 & #10 are basically asking, "Is your desire to confront really about what's going on between you and your spouse, or is it really about what's coming up for you? Who's issue is it?). Keep in mind, just like choosing to act congruently, learning to confront effectively is a SKILL which takes time and practice to master. Depending on how volatile your marriage is, and how reactive the responses and interactions between you are, it might be best to begin doing this in the context where there's a trained professional in the room with you. A marriage coach or consultant or marriage and family therapist (regardless of their title, make SURE they know what they're doing) might be a smart place to start. The last thing I want is for you to try this and it causes more harm than good or for you both to have a bad experience. It might be smart to hook up with someone where you can explore what this would look like in your marriage, as well as what it would mean for you to actually confront one another so you can work out and resolve any fear, anxiety, or negative predicting before you begin. P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Email me. Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on
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