There are two situational forces which have the potential to ruin, erode & destroy your marriage. You would think with such disastrous potentials these would be broadcast across the media; discussed on talk shows; featured articles in magazines; central topics of discussion; centerpieces of books...yet there's hardly a whisper. It's a wonder marriage is filled with dissatisfaction, affairs (emotional and physical), pornography, fantasy life, & general unfulfillment. In my mind, choosing to ignore both of these situational forces is an INVITATION to an unhappy, unsatisfied & unfulfilling marriage. I went to school for four years to get a Master's in Counseling. Before that four years of education to get a Bachelor's in Human Development, part of that time specifically studying what it meant to have a successful intimate relationship. After my Master's I trained in various clinical settings as a Marriage & Family Therapist. Wouldn't you assume somewhere in all the studying, training, supervision & so forth, someone, somewhere would have discussed two of the most insidious destroyers of your romantic relationship? No one did, not once, in about 10 years of time! I got married with the intent to divorce Is this really true? Of course it's not! Yet how come no one is talking about the 'fastest path to divorce' if we truly want to remain with our significant other? The sad thing, is this stuff (now that I know it) is just basic proactive marriage 101 stuff. It's just no one I know is doing it or teaching it (besides me). If you've yet to define what it means to be "faithful" in your marriage relationship & if you've yet to "close all of your exits" your marriage is built on a foundation of sand which can be swept away at any time. These are the two situational forces I've been talking about: defining "faithfulness" and closing your "exits". Pretty basic, right? But, have you done it??? So basic you didn't think to do it, right? That's why no one else is doing it to. This goes back to what we talked about awhile back when I shared with you most people believe they're the type who "wouldn't cheat"...well, then how come there's so many cheaters out there?! Situational forces! One of the fastest, easiest ways to safeguard your marriage & inject trust, safety & security There's no doubt in my mind doing this with your partner is one of the fastest & easiest ways to prevent an affair of the heart or body, while building a secure foundation of trust, security & safety. It might seem pretty basic to talk about faithfulness, but I can almost guarantee you both of you will have different definitions of what it means to be "faithful". It might seem simple to close your exits, however, have you had that conversation with your spouse and defined what that practically looks like? It's difficult for there to be trust, safety & security in a marriage - all of which promotes love, passion & happiness (therefore if you're feeling a lack of any of these it's possibly because there's a lack of trust, security or safety which may or may not be recognizable) when there isn't an agreed upon definition of active faithfulness & how you will go about closing your exits. I would love to tell you, "Here's the definition of faithfulness." or "Here's what it means to close your exits." Unfortunately, no one can define either of these except for you and your partner. Not your pastor, or mentor or coach, not your therapist, neither your friends or family. Anything they would say would be representative of their own experiences, values & beliefs. Your definitions MUST BE representative of your agreed upon values as a couple; otherwise the definition you develop will be someone else's definition. Without a vision, the people perish; where there's no revelation, the people cast off restraint I will, however, give you some ideas & somethings to consider in developing your agreed upon definitions: Is faithfulness an emotional or physical attribute, or both? What about other aspects? Are you faithful if you slander your spouse or talk bad about them or gossip about them? Are you faithful if you're "checking out" someone of the opposite sex? What about a fantasy life? Are you still faithful if you fantasize about your husband looking like the hot guy at your gym? Are you still faithful if you fantasize about your wife being more respectful? Are you faithful if you have negative or derogatory thoughts about your spouse? What about thoughts such as, "This marriage isn't worth the agony", "Did I really choose the right partner", "What if I didn't make the best choice?", "Is there someone out there who's a better fit for me?", "What if my soulmate is out there and I missed them?" How about thoughts such as: "She's always inconsiderate." "He never listens." "She doesn't really care about me." "All he's interested in is sex." Is faithfulness about a state of physical being or a state of mind? What I mean is, can faithfulness be about defending your spouse to others - even yourself - just as much if not more than keeping your rocket in its pocket? Can faithfulness be about challenging the negative thoughts you have about your wife or husband? Is faithfulness about giving them the benefit of the doubt or believing the best about them when the worst looks like the truth? How about closing your exits? What might that look like for you and your partner? Would closing your exits mean you don't have dinner alone with someone of the opposite sex? How about lunch? What about coffee? What if it's a co-worker? How about an old friend from high school or college? What if that person is married too? What if you're on a business trip or at a seminar with colleagues? Is it OK if it's a group of people - even if it's just you and the rest of the group is of the opposite sex? Does it mean you don't coach someone of the opposite sex if you're a coach, therapist or consultant? Is it OK to text back and forth with someone of the opposite sex, regardless of their marital status? (By the way, just because someone is married doesn't mean they're only looking for fulfillment in their marital relationship).... Here's a tangent which I believe is extremely relevant and valuable to discuss. What does it mean to be fulfilled in your marriage, and what does it mean to seek fulfillment OUTSIDE of your marriage? When is it OK and when is it unwise or hazardous? I would definitely talk about this aspect when discussing faithfulness and closing exits. How about Facebook - is it OK to respond to messages from people of the opposite sex on Facebook, regardless of your history with them? What about ex's? Oooohhhh! Here's a tricky one! How about your ex-boyfriend who you're still friends with after all these years? How about your ex-girlfriend who's going to be at your reunion next month? Is it OK to sit down and catch up with her? Is it acceptable to talk on the phone, text, email, Facebook, etc. with your ex's? If so, is there a point where it crosses the line? What do you do if someone you know or someone random hits on you? Do you entertain the flirtation in the moment or even in your mind? Do you dare to tell your spouse?! If you're serious about closing your exits does that mean you limit how much you drink when you're out with your friends away from your partner? Does that mean you don't go to certain clubs or bars or "hot spots" alone? Does it mean you cut off certain friendships, your buddies or girlfriends who are always talking about "hooking up" with their latest fling or are pointing out the "hottie" over at the next table or simply talk bad about their spouse? The paralysis of choice As you can now see, closing your exits and defining faithfulness isn't a simple matter after all. There's a lot to consider. A lot of situational forces and aspects to think through. This step really does REQUIRE a lot of proactive discussion and decisions. And, I think this is really why a lot of couples choose to forgo this conversation....it's too much work for them and it's a lot easier to mistakenly & foolishly believe "I'm not the kind of person who would do that." or you'll just figure it out in the moment, or you'll just resist by pure will power. This is also why most couples struggle with trust, a sense of safety, feeling secure; an ever-increasing love, passion, fulfillment & happiness. However, if you truly do want REAL intimacy, a REAL connection, GENUINE love, a FIRM sense of security, and 100% TRUST, you will make the decision to have these discussions and figure this stuff out for yourselves. No one else can do it for you. There's no book you can read which will give you the answers. Oprah or Dr. Phil won't be of any help to you. It is these sort of intentional, purposeful conversations which lead to real & genuine intimacy, connection & a feeling of closeness, and being "known" between you and your partner. You want a marriage increasing in love, passion, fulfillment & happiness? This is the road to take...or you can choose to blame your partner, your job, your kids, your age, God, your parents, your friends, society, the sky, the stars, & the weather for why you aren't happy in your marriage or don't have the marriage you always wanted. P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Email me. Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on
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